Disclaimer (So sad that we have to have disclaimers these days when talking about marriage): By marriage I mean a union between a man and a woman. I do not recognize any other union as marriage, thank you very much!

You should see the heated debates that many youths are engaged in around the hot subject of marriage. No, it mostly is not about marriage, it mostly is about relationships…and weddings.

Either way, the marriage relationship is one of they most important relationships that a visionary can have. I dare say that if you are not going to marry well, you would rather stay single for the rest of your life. The pains of not marrying well can be unbearable and the effects could last for generations!

 

In addition, if you do not marry well, there is every chance that you will not fulfill your mission and life purpose here on earth. Folks, it is that critical. Now am not saying that if you realize that you did not marry well…all is over. No. You can have a great comeback with the same spouse if you realized that you married wrongly but that is not the scope of this post. This post generally addresses the unmarrieds.

You see, there is no way that you can compartmentalize your marriage from ‘other life pursuits’ and expect to be successful. Of course you can have some level of achievement in one sector or another, but ultimately, if you are talking about leaving a legacy behind, a successful marriage ranks up there with the best.

Of Long Wish Lists about Dream Spouses

We all have had our lists of wishes and dreams of how our marital bliss should look like. At some point, it is OK to dream about the kind of marriage and marriage partner that we would have. Yet I can tell you that there is no bliss in marriage if you will not work for it. Period. Take that to the bank.

I have some news for the unmarrieds: The principal ingredients that you might be focused on in a marriage partner that would guarantee you marital bliss and by extension, success with your pursuits are not necessarily the correct ones. How do I know that? I have been there (unmarried) and now I am here (happily married).

Here is how many people get it wrong with their choice of a spouse for marriage:

1. Focusing on The Body:

Skin complexion, size whatever, figure 8, 6 foot tall, great smile, handsome, beautiful…and so on. Here is my take. God in his wisdom placed inside of our hearts some preferences for the opposite sex. These are simply the basic yardsticks in selection. Yet today’s generation has gone crazy with more than 90% emphasis on all these things! When you get married, I can guarantee you that your sexual bliss will largely depend on factors outside of the physics you are focusing on! That you need to ‘test drive’ your spouse sexually to find out about your compatibility is not only lie, it’s also a sneaky and lustful maneuver to champion sex before marriage.

2. Focusing on The Best Foot:

When ‘in love’, you seldom see anything wrong with your partner. In fact, when we are searching for a ‘perfect marriage partner’ we normally look at all the good attributes. Sadly, its so easy for someone to exude all the good attributes while in love…however, when a challenge comes, their true self shows up…and you start thinking you do not know your spouse. She will not always be unleashing that smile…nor will she always be doing that thing with her eyelids…its her best foot forward you are seeing right now…don’t let it fool you.

3. Focusing on The Event:

I have talked about this elsewhere: You seldom see the hullabaloo, the planning and goal-setting and organization and fundraising that is put towards a wedding after a couple is married. Which one is the most important? The wedding or the marriage? By extension, a couple that has just been married in this format normally have less to talk about doing together. After the wedding, they pursue different goals separately…but I digress

You see, while married, you will inevitably face some challenges with life.

• Some challenges are raised by the pursuits of your goals
• Some of those challenges are financial,
• Some are career/work-related,
• Some are a spouse’s personal battles and ‘history’
• Some are marital challenges,
• Some of the challenges are family related: your own kids, extended family and in-laws.

I assure you that you want to have married well when you face any or a combination of the above challenges. That is why you cannot use the yardsticks mentioned earlier to determine who is the best person to be your spouse. If you could know how your spouse would handle any of the above mentioned challenges, it would really help you making a decision more than looking at her physical features.

If you would know her/his attitude towards you during and after a crisis, you would be better informed on the caliber of your spouse rather than knowing their best behavior when all is rosy during courtship.

In a nutshell, a spouse is a member of the same team (with an even deeper bond), and not the captain of the opposing side. A spouse is an earthly shelter and comfort in times of trouble and not part of a stone throwing and judgmental mob.

In other words, if you are a visionary and you want to impact your world (or the world) by pursuing your life purpose and mission on earth, you had better marry well.

At one of my lowest points in life some time back, I realized how blessed I was to have married well. Some of the lessons I am sharing today came from that rocky part of my marital life.

You know you have married well when in a tight situation and your spouse…

·         Stays with you:

The true measure of a loving spouse is their staying power. I tell you, spouses put up with so much of each other’s messes than the public would ever know. You see us in a nice photo smiling and you start wishing you were the one! Chances are that you might not make it. So if you can really know for sure that your spouse will stay with you literally through thick and think…and like they normally say in the vows ‘for richer of poorer’, then you had better marry them. A staying spouse who does not have a figure 8 is much more valuable than that with a figure 8 who won’t stay. Go figure!

·         Believes in you

If you find a spouse who does not compare you with others on their own scale and find you wanting, you are in good company. A wise spouse would not judge you as if right now is the best you will ever be. A good spouse will assess your potential, your passion, your plans and your work ethic to make a decision. Sadly, these days the men folk are judged by how big they drive (and if they don’t…its a woe). If you had a way of knowing that your future spouse would achieve some of the things you would be proud to be associated with, marry them.

·         Supports you

First of all, before you can be supported, you need to have something that you are passionate about. My wife is passionate about music and helping people. I asked her one day if I gave her 1 Million Dollars what would she do with it. Her answer astounded me. It had nothing to do with shopping and acquiring things…she talked about investing that much in preaching the gospel. I was ashamed of the list I had prepared of my own investing in the million dollars. The point is this: If you are passionate about something and you know that your spouse would support you to the hilt…please go ahead and marry them. This is a much better yardstick than trying to find out if you are sexually compatible!

·         Kicks you out of the house

…and not out of the marriage! If you are sitting on your laurels and your potential, flipping through sports channels and reality TV, a good spouse would unplug the gadget and send you out of the house to go do something better with yourself. (Don’t worry, she’s sensible enough not to use violence). Beth did that to me one day during that rocky period I am referring to. Of course I was not watching TV…but I was in the house blogging the whole day. She just let me have it in a good way. Told me that she believed in my potential and she knew that I am a winner…but sitting in the house doing nothing would not help me. I did not like it then….but she made a great point. A good spouse will not put up with your excuses. It is easy to know such a one during courtship.

·         Reminds you of your potential:

This is already stated above. A good spouse will remind you again and again and again about your potential. It is only last night that Beth reminded me of the several places that I have been (work related)…that in each instance, I found the place in a bad state and left it in a celebrated state…then she said, “Maybe God is saying something….” Haha. Maybe. But a good spouse has made a good study of your potential and is keen to see the total fruition of it.

Asks you about your future plans:

I know, I know. Nothing scares men sometimes like a spouse asking about your future plans…not dreams..but plans. That is especially if you do not have concrete plans in place. A good spouse would make it a priority that the two of you have something written down towards your future…what you ought to do together in terms of your Life Signatures. If you find such a one, then you know that you will marry well.

So there you have it.

Question: What yardstick do you think is paramount in selecting a spouse?